Motivation without Frustration. What’s the Secret Sauce?
Learning the difference between desire and expectation can keep us motivated while avoiding burnout.
We all know expectation lead to disappointment. So how do we keep the motivational fire of our desires, dreams, and goals from hardening into expectations?
This one is tricky for me, and I imagine for many.
There is a real tension between these two when examined closely. Per the usual format, here’s my best side-by-side comparison of these two tightly entangled energies:
Desire
- Arising from intuition, presence, and what matters most to us
- Responsive, dynamic
- Expands us
- Pushes
- Is often joyful
- Breeds excitement
- Creates anticipation
- Has wants
- Creates motivation, momentum
- Can exist without expectations, does not need them
Expectation
- Arising from social conditioning, ego, and judgements
- Projection & assumption-based, comparative
- Restricts us
- Pulls
- Breeds tension
- Creates entitlement
- Has demands
- Creates anxiety, looping & stuck-ness
- Cannot exist without desire, evolves from it
The tightrope between them is a fine line. It can be especially difficult to walk that line when our desires and expectations are unconscious. Simply making our desires and expectations conscious by identifying them can identify the source of imbalance. Where are we limited by an expectation that’s not met?
Equanimity and awareness are the ballast in our balancing act, keeping us poised on the tightrope.
With these anchors, we can hover in the space where desire keeps us moving towards our goal, without falling headlong into the brick wall of trying to bend reality to suit our expectations and demands.
But this balance has a paradox — desire’s fire counteracts the cooling stillness of equanimity. How can we focus on what we want and don’t have without being pulled into a cycle of impatience and frustration? There is a real tension between the present and the future here.
Failing to balance desire and expectation can be harmful in any relationship, including the relationship with ourselves. When we turn our dreams into demands, perfectionism and self-criticism can tear us down so hard we’re often too scared to start.
I don’t believe there is a clear answer to this paradox. The tension between them is real, and the balancing act is delicate. The best I’ve found are several practices that support balance, though I imagine the tension will always remain.
The practice that I’ve found most supportive to balancing desire and expectation in goal setting is savoring.
When we slow down and savor the detail of our experience, it opens us to a greater sense of ourselves. We lean into the nuance of now, and invite the patience and persistence required to reach long-term goals without feeling anxious about them.
Can we savor the energy of desire rising? Can we allow that excitement and tension to be its own source of fulfillment, without it becoming anxious & narrow focus on the future goal?
We can also imagine what it will be like to look back on this moment from the future. What we will appreciate about this moment? Will we miss the chance to appreciate it in our hurried expectations to “get there”?
Being at peace with the tension of the present and the future allows us to celebrate our desires while avoiding expectation. We can cultivate the calm pool of equanimity that simply accepts and reflects, without clinging or aversion.
This type of ‘in the moment’ presence can be felt by others, and when we radiate it, we often (but not always) invite what we desire, without the extra of expectation.
What is your experience in balancing expectation and desire? Where do you find yourself struggling with this tension, and where do you find ease?
Taking time to learn this balance & work to master it will pay dividends in any moment of your life where you’re working towards a goal.
When you leverage the energy of anticipation as a source of motivation instead of anxiety, you tap into a renewable resource to keep you moving forward with grace.
Or, as David Drake has put it, you can finally “Work on what is real, not chase the ideal.”
